Communication
Imagine that, for what ever reason, the world is ending. You have 5 minutes to get in to groups of 4 or 5 and choose 6 people from this list to repopulate the earth:
- A 16-year-old girl of questionable IQ, a high school dropout, pregnant.
- A police officer with a gun (which cannot be taken from him—he was recently reprimanded for excessive force).
- A clergyman, 75 years old.
- A woman physician, 36 years old, known to be a confirmed racist.
- A male violinist, 46 years old, who served seven years for pushing narcotics.
- A 20-year-old Black militant, no special skills.
- A former prostitute, female, 39 years old.
- An architect, a male homosexual.
- A 26-year-old law student.
- The law student’s 25-year-old wife who spent the last nine months in a mental hospital, still heavily sedated. They refuse to be separated
- Who did you choose?
- Why did you choose those people?
- Was it easy to choose?
- Did you guys disagree on who to choose?
- Was there anybody you all agreed to leave out?
- How did you come to a conclusion?
- What were your challenges?
Although this activity is about communication, it is more so about identifying our biases. These biases will expose themselves when we make automatic assumptions about certain characters in this scenario. EX: Assuming #4 is racist against African Americans opposed to Asians or Mexicans etc., Assuming #8 is young (mid 20's to late 30's), Assuming #9 is male, and so on. By the end of this activity, most people are able to see what their automatic assumptions are
Things that affect our values are:
Past: Heritage, experiences, trauma, and memories.
Present: Identity questions, performance anxiety and relationships quadrants.
Future: fear and anxiety, expectations and hope, connections to our past and presents.
Past: Heritage, experiences, trauma, and memories.
Present: Identity questions, performance anxiety and relationships quadrants.
Future: fear and anxiety, expectations and hope, connections to our past and presents.
We make connections to others through our similarities (Socioeconomic backgrounds, Educational backgrounds, etc).
However, similarities cannot negate differences in values. Our values provide framework for our thoughts, words, and actions.
However, similarities cannot negate differences in values. Our values provide framework for our thoughts, words, and actions.
None of us are exactly the same. All people are complex individuals with pasts, presents, and futures. Having the same experience does not mean people experience them the same way. Often times we may think or say that “My past looks like your present. Therefore, I know how you feel.” But this statement is merely based on the biases of our own experiences.
Phenomenology is the study of phenomenon. It is the idea that 30 seconds is 30 seconds but it is lived differently. Individually, 30 seconds at the dentist is different than 30 seconds on a roller coaster. Between two different people, 30 seconds on a roller coaster for someone who hates roller coasters is different than for someone who loves roller coasters.
If we perceive someone as ‘low self esteem’ then we will see their life through that lens. We won't see their phenomenon of their life.
The way to 'fix' this way of thinking is to challenge the things we think are obvious. Phenomenological Thinking is interrogative not declarative; It doesn't start with an answer, it starts with a question.
Ex: “I notice _____…. Tell me more about it.”
Phenomenology is the study of phenomenon. It is the idea that 30 seconds is 30 seconds but it is lived differently. Individually, 30 seconds at the dentist is different than 30 seconds on a roller coaster. Between two different people, 30 seconds on a roller coaster for someone who hates roller coasters is different than for someone who loves roller coasters.
If we perceive someone as ‘low self esteem’ then we will see their life through that lens. We won't see their phenomenon of their life.
The way to 'fix' this way of thinking is to challenge the things we think are obvious. Phenomenological Thinking is interrogative not declarative; It doesn't start with an answer, it starts with a question.
Ex: “I notice _____…. Tell me more about it.”
How we communicate and what we communicate is deeply embedded in our past, present, and future. When faced with the issue of a youth consistently waking up late in the morning there are two main ideas about how to handle the situation.
1. The parent should give them more structure by waking them up and checking on them so they don't have to miss breakfast or be late for school.
2. The parent should let the youth have their own morning routines and suffer their own consequences for waking up late.
How we feel about this situation is influenced on our own experiences.
1. The parent should give them more structure by waking them up and checking on them so they don't have to miss breakfast or be late for school.
2. The parent should let the youth have their own morning routines and suffer their own consequences for waking up late.
How we feel about this situation is influenced on our own experiences.
Values are also influenced by other organizations or belief systems (Work, Religions, School, Peers). Sometimes there are values clashing when, for example, we disagree with work protocol or procedures. This then leads to to value confusion. Kiaras Gharabaghi states “And yet, value confusion is no reason to be overly concerned. What really matters is not so much any specific value systems but one's awareness of that value system and its impact on decision making.”
objectivity vs subjectivity
The past and present that influence our values are not inherently problematic. The problem comes when we pretend that we are able to be objective. Subjectivity can be good -- It is what helps us create meaningful relationships. And, we cannot abandon our belief systems because it would leave us “profoundly vulnerable to be ‘overtaken’ by corporate or unbalanced value systems designed to impose control" (Gharabaghi). Subjectivity allows us to recognize that our presence is itself impacted by our biases and judgments. Instead of pretending that we can be perfectly objective, being cautiously subjective is far more effective. In order to do this we must become aware of our biases and judgments.
Biases
Everybody has biases. There are no ‘good’ biases and ‘bad’ biases. They can all be harmful. Biases are deeply held preference that cannot be proven by facts or evidence and would be difficult to defend in a compelling manner. They can present themselves in multiple ways (What clients we want to work with, People and personalities we are drawn to, sense of humor, our language use, what we find offensive). Because we cannot avoid having biases, it is better to identify and be aware of them. Then we able to consciously confront, challenge, or embrace them
Judgments
Not all biases result in judgment, but all judgment comes from biases. “Once we are engaged in judgment, we have allowed whatever biases we may hold to take on an expressive character, one that determines not only our feelings toward a particular person or issue but also whether that person or issue is right or wrong, legitimate or not, acceptable or unacceptable" (Gharabaghi).
Some judgments, such as racism, sexism, homophobia, and other identity based judgments, are socially malignant. These can also be hard to overcome because unlike biases, there are very few safe spaces to explore one's racism without being judged in return.
Most judgments are much less obvious like how we feel about behavioral patterns, lack of follow through, apparent lack of motivation, irresponsible decision making, etc. Once negative judgments take place the core principles in relationship building are threatened and our communication is compromised. Judgments of others “reflects the failure to remain transparent about one's biases, and the impact such judgments can be quite destructive" (Gharabaghi).
Some judgments, such as racism, sexism, homophobia, and other identity based judgments, are socially malignant. These can also be hard to overcome because unlike biases, there are very few safe spaces to explore one's racism without being judged in return.
Most judgments are much less obvious like how we feel about behavioral patterns, lack of follow through, apparent lack of motivation, irresponsible decision making, etc. Once negative judgments take place the core principles in relationship building are threatened and our communication is compromised. Judgments of others “reflects the failure to remain transparent about one's biases, and the impact such judgments can be quite destructive" (Gharabaghi).
Suggested VideoElizabeth Lesser: Say your truths and seek them in others
https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_lesser_say_your_truths_and_seek_them_in_others#t-927778 Kio Stark: Why you should talk to strangers https://www.ted.com/talks/kio_stark_why_you_should_talk_to_strangers#t-694558 Safwat Aleem: Why I keep speaking up even when people mock my accent https://www.ted.com/talks/safwat_saleem_why_i_keep_speaking_up_even_when_people_mock_my_accent |
VideoJulia Galef: Why you think youre right even if youre wrong
https://www.ted.com/talks/julia_galef_why_you_think_you_re_right_even_if_you_re_wrong |
Relationships
“An effective relationship depends on many things.”
~Ernie Hilton ,2005
ACTIVITY
For the relationship portion of our presentation, in an effort to illustrate the concepts being discussed, the students were asked to participate in an activity. For this activity students were paired up and asked to stand facing one another. They were then made to stand facing each other so close that they were touching. Students were asked to move away from their partner until they felt comfortable in their own space.
The point of this exercise was to illustrate individual space and shared space and that shared space drastically varies depending on who one is with or engaged with. In our class there was a spectrum of different distances between the various pairings. For example, a pair containing a male in female were much further apart than a pair of two females that were well acquainted with each other. The physical space between the two individuals is described as their “shared experience” or the overlap in their lives with one another. In a larger study, it can be assumed that, depending on the participants and their relationships, the spectrum of space would be even greater.
This activity pertains to our presentation in that it is a physical representation of varied and vast types of shared experiences among people.
Relationship Theories
Various Theories Of Social Psychology
The Inter-Personal In-Between
Social Exchange Theory
Social Identity Theory
Drive Theory
Cognitive Dissonance Theory
Self Verification Theory
Martin Buber:
Types of Relationships
The Inter-Personal In-Between
* The space between us changes as we develop greater intimacy
Communication is based on the relationships we create.
These relationships are dictated by many things, one of which being our lens of beliefs.
*How do you limit your own openness to others, to connecting, to being with others?
*How do you explain these self-imposed limits?
Mutuality and Connectedness
Viewing relationships as a co-created entity: relationship is mutually formed.
Before there is communication, a relationship must be formed and defined.
What does it mean to you to be in a state of connectedness?
What makes a ‘good relationship?’
Relationship As A Seesaw
Balance in a relationship is critical.
Example of unbalance: one individual may move too fast for the other thus creating defenses and walls that may not have previously been there.
An Agreed upon balance.
*checking in *openness *feelings of safety *honesty
*intimacy *caring *connectedness
SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY
One need begets another
A simple example of social exchange theory can be seen in the interaction of asking someone out on a date. If the person says yes, you have gained a reward and are likely to repeat the interaction by asking that person out again, or by asking someone else out. On the other hand, if you ask someone out on a date and they reply, “No way!” then you have received a punishment that will probably cause you to shy away from repeating this type of interaction with the same person in the future.
Social Exchange Theory and Inter-Personal In-Between
The assumptions social exchange theory makes about the nature of individual people:
Humans seek rewards and avoid punishments.
Humans are rational beings.
The standards that humans use to evaluate costs and rewards vary over time and from person to person.
The assumptions social exchange theory makes about the nature of relationships include the following:
Relationships are interdependent.
Relational life is a process.
All of these relationships, whether they are examples of the inter personal in between or social exchange theory, are built and maintained through communication of all types.
“An effective relationship depends on many things.”
~Ernie Hilton ,2005
ACTIVITY
For the relationship portion of our presentation, in an effort to illustrate the concepts being discussed, the students were asked to participate in an activity. For this activity students were paired up and asked to stand facing one another. They were then made to stand facing each other so close that they were touching. Students were asked to move away from their partner until they felt comfortable in their own space.
The point of this exercise was to illustrate individual space and shared space and that shared space drastically varies depending on who one is with or engaged with. In our class there was a spectrum of different distances between the various pairings. For example, a pair containing a male in female were much further apart than a pair of two females that were well acquainted with each other. The physical space between the two individuals is described as their “shared experience” or the overlap in their lives with one another. In a larger study, it can be assumed that, depending on the participants and their relationships, the spectrum of space would be even greater.
This activity pertains to our presentation in that it is a physical representation of varied and vast types of shared experiences among people.
Relationship Theories
Various Theories Of Social Psychology
The Inter-Personal In-Between
Social Exchange Theory
Social Identity Theory
Drive Theory
Cognitive Dissonance Theory
Self Verification Theory
Martin Buber:
Types of Relationships
- I-it
- Impersonal, detached, functional
- Ex: Bus driver (object) and bus rider (subject)
- I-thou
- Personal, emotive
- Ex: Family, friends
The Inter-Personal In-Between
- Co-created, connected experiencing to occur
- Stand Facing One Another
* The space between us changes as we develop greater intimacy
Communication is based on the relationships we create.
These relationships are dictated by many things, one of which being our lens of beliefs.
*How do you limit your own openness to others, to connecting, to being with others?
*How do you explain these self-imposed limits?
Mutuality and Connectedness
Viewing relationships as a co-created entity: relationship is mutually formed.
Before there is communication, a relationship must be formed and defined.
What does it mean to you to be in a state of connectedness?
What makes a ‘good relationship?’
Relationship As A Seesaw
Balance in a relationship is critical.
Example of unbalance: one individual may move too fast for the other thus creating defenses and walls that may not have previously been there.
An Agreed upon balance.
*checking in *openness *feelings of safety *honesty
*intimacy *caring *connectedness
SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY
- Negotiated exchange between parties
- Rational choice and structuralism
- Two-sided, mutually contingent and rewarding process
- Similar to the analogy of the seesaw
- Fair returns for expenditures
- Individuals seek relationships containing needs
- Cost-benefit analysis
- “Father” of theory is Blau
One need begets another
A simple example of social exchange theory can be seen in the interaction of asking someone out on a date. If the person says yes, you have gained a reward and are likely to repeat the interaction by asking that person out again, or by asking someone else out. On the other hand, if you ask someone out on a date and they reply, “No way!” then you have received a punishment that will probably cause you to shy away from repeating this type of interaction with the same person in the future.
Social Exchange Theory and Inter-Personal In-Between
The assumptions social exchange theory makes about the nature of individual people:
Humans seek rewards and avoid punishments.
Humans are rational beings.
The standards that humans use to evaluate costs and rewards vary over time and from person to person.
The assumptions social exchange theory makes about the nature of relationships include the following:
Relationships are interdependent.
Relational life is a process.
All of these relationships, whether they are examples of the inter personal in between or social exchange theory, are built and maintained through communication of all types.
How we Communicate
Based on class, culture, formal language, regional etc
*Are you “listening” or “hearing”?
Hearing: the act of perceiving sound by ear
Listening: requires concentration so that your brain processed meaning from words/sentences
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9b2Hf7QWg
Purple: Red:
-Communicate by talking a lot -They dont speak until they think things through
-Interested in the “vision”/visionists -Tend to speak in bullet points (yup, nope, go away)
-Interested in the “WHAT” (what are we doing) -Interested in “rational/rationalists”
-Interested in the “WHERE” (where they fit)
- “Rationalist”
Yellow: Blue:
-Turn words into mental pictures -Get a feel for what’s occurring
-Neat/Tidy -Use intuition or “gut” as guide
- “WHEN” is very important (time/timeframe) -Hands on/team players
-Detail oriented -The “WHY” is very important
- “Pastoralist” - “Sensationist”
After watching the video, the group then took some time to a few minutes to reflect and identify their own personal “color” types. This proved to be very useful and helpful to the audience. Each individual was given an opportunity to share (if they felt comfortable doing so) with the group what they believe to be the communication types and styles of which they best related, and real world examples of conflicts that can surface when dealing and communicating with other types. From this, everyone who participated was able to gain valuable insight to not only themselves personally but also were equipped with a clearer understanding of communication and relationship.
How we Communicate
- What are you saying and what do you mean by it?
- Sarcasm
- Tone
- Mood
Based on class, culture, formal language, regional etc
- Couch, loveseat, chair, bench, sofa, sectional, recliner, rocker, chesterfield, davenport, ottoman, divan, la z boy, settee, chaise lounge, daybed, etc
*Are you “listening” or “hearing”?
Hearing: the act of perceiving sound by ear
Listening: requires concentration so that your brain processed meaning from words/sentences
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9b2Hf7QWg
Purple: Red:
-Communicate by talking a lot -They dont speak until they think things through
-Interested in the “vision”/visionists -Tend to speak in bullet points (yup, nope, go away)
-Interested in the “WHAT” (what are we doing) -Interested in “rational/rationalists”
-Interested in the “WHERE” (where they fit)
- “Rationalist”
Yellow: Blue:
-Turn words into mental pictures -Get a feel for what’s occurring
-Neat/Tidy -Use intuition or “gut” as guide
- “WHEN” is very important (time/timeframe) -Hands on/team players
-Detail oriented -The “WHY” is very important
- “Pastoralist” - “Sensationist”
After watching the video, the group then took some time to a few minutes to reflect and identify their own personal “color” types. This proved to be very useful and helpful to the audience. Each individual was given an opportunity to share (if they felt comfortable doing so) with the group what they believe to be the communication types and styles of which they best related, and real world examples of conflicts that can surface when dealing and communicating with other types. From this, everyone who participated was able to gain valuable insight to not only themselves personally but also were equipped with a clearer understanding of communication and relationship.