COMMUNICATION
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On Tuesday, July 31st, 2018, our class discussed different ways of effectively communicating. We brought up the topic that communication can look different than we might traditionally picture and that it can encompass a multitude of ways for individuals in the community to connect with one another. Below is the video we watched that explains The Communication Bill of Rights for Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC). "Augmentative and alternative communication is an umbrella term that encompasses the communication methods used to supplement or replace speech or writing for those with impairments in the production or comprehension of spoken or written language." - definition taken from American Speech-Language-Hearing Association
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Next, we recognized that quite often in our communication with others we experience conflict. This usually happens when we seek to correct rather than connect. We acknowledged that this can compromise our ability to genuinely listen and engage with others in a way that is meaningful. We went through the following activity together to learn how to implement the Four Step Model for Practicing Non-Violent Communication/Compassionate Communication.
practicing Compassionate communication
Conflict Resolution
Lesson Plan
Empathy: In order to truly engage in a genuine way we must understand the other person's position. The best place to start is with employing empathy. So, let’s do some practice around this.
Write down a conflict you are currently dealing with (recent write up at work, on-going argument with a partner, a roommate issue, etc.) Please share only that which you would be comfortable discussing in front of others today. For sake of time, keep it fairly simple.
Create two or three groups and invite them to sit in a circle.
Place the folded paper in the middle. Taking turns, grab one of the pieces of paper and read it aloud as if the problem were your own, using “I” statements. In other words, the person speaking should act like this is their personal conflict.
Debrief:
How did it feel to take on someone else’s conflict as your own?
-felt more connected, more understanding, felt bad for the situation
How did it feel to hear someone else living your conflict?
-valued, appreciated, understood
As you were listening, what was going on in your head? Was it difficult to stay quiet? If you were able to speak,
what would you have said? Much of the time it comes in the form of advice.
This was an opportunity to get us thinking about empathy, situating ourselves into someone else’s position.
Let’s turn to practicing ways in which we can give empathy (not advice).
Non-Violent Communication
“When you’re busy judging people, you have no time to love them.”
“NVC is about seeking connection not correction.”
-Marshall B. Rosenberg
NVC: Using language to create empathic connection with empathy, collaboration, authenticity and freedom.
Four Step Model for Practicing NVC:
1. Observation: Practice a judgment free observation of a situation.
2. Feelings: Authentically express your feelings. State how you feel when you observe the action. Difference between feelings and thoughts. Statements starting with “I feel like,” “I feel as if”, are thoughts. “I feel sad”, “I feel frustrated”, “I feel grateful” are feelings.
3. Needs: Say what needs you have connected to the feelings.
4. Requests: Make a request.
“When I (see, hear, notice ________, I feel _________ because I need ____________. Would you be willing to ___________?
“I noticed _________. Are you feeling ________ because you are needing/wanting/ _______? Would you be willing to _________?
Example:
You see a child upset because he/she/they did not get to do the activity they wanted.
“When I see you sitting here by yourself, I am feeling sad because I know the Boys and Girls Club includes everyone, and I am needing to know you are feeling seen and heard. Would you be willing to sit with me while I watch the game?”
“I noticed you were sitting over here by yourself. Are you feeling frustrated because you were hoping this would be a different activity? Would you be willing to come sit with me while I watch the game?”
NVC Activity
Feelings and Needs:
Pass out the feelings and needs list.
Put students into pairs (from same group)
Use your current conflict situation or present your own (remember to take care of yourself through this process).
Speaker: Spend two minutes sharing your conflict situation.
Listener: Sit quietly and patiently. Listen without interrupting to question, give advice, etc.
After two minutes have the listener look at the Feelings and Needs list. Practice giving empathy by saying:
“Are you feeling __________ because you need ____________?
Speaker can then respond. Continue to guess feelings and needs if you are incorrect.
If you still do not get it correct it is permissible to say, “I am needing a little help. Would you be willing to share with me what your feeling and needing right now?”
Switch roles and repeat.
Debrief:
1. As listeners what did it feel like to remain silent and what were some of the urges you had?
2. As the speaker, what did it feel like to receive empathy in this way?
Hang on to these as we will come back to them.
Observations
Observations are important because they connect people through a shared reality rather than arguing opinions, and they help to prevent reactions based on interpretation or assumption.
Neutral observations answer (what, where, when, who, how, and how often).
Observations do not contain evaluation of good or bad, judgment of what should or should not have happened, an analysis of why it happened, a story about past related events, predictions about what might happen, justification about why it happened, blaming, or exaggeration.
Change the following from a thought statement into an observation statement.
For example:
“He does the weirdest things.”
“He put mustard on his apple.”
“She is rude.”
“She pushed me out of line.”
“They are so clumsy and stupid.”
“They bumped into me and now my leg hurts.”
“You always make a mess.”
“My mother is mean.”
“You're always late.”
“You stole my pencil.”
“My teacher is bossy.”
“She was impatient.”
Observation followed by a doable request Activity:
Next, we are going to work on an expression of feelings and needs with an observation followed by a doable request.
Have everyone switch partners.
Have each partner briefly re-explain the conflict that they just receive empathy for.
Have the pairs work together to develop an observation for each other’s conflict.
Share with larger group.
*The person receiving the request may not respond to it in the way you had hoped or expected, so be prepared to have dialogue about other possible solutions.
"Listening Differently"
holding space for others' experiences through the act of listening
Addressing our barriers to listening:
-What is in the way of our best attempts at listening?
Certainty is the enemy of listening. -What is it that we are so certain about that it interrupts our listening?
3 Certainties That Interrupt Our Listening:
1. ASSUMPTIONS: "I already know who you are. My experience has already defined yours."
2. ARROGANCE: "Who you are has no relevance for me. My experience has declared yours irrelevant."
3. FEAR: Deeply personal - "Listening may require something of me - my time, energy, resources. Listening to your experience may cause me discomfort, I may feel guilty, I may feel judged. Your experience may challenge mine. Too much risk."
Each of these indicate that the other person is not worth your time, interest, or engagement. In fact, that the other person does not matter.
Certainty is the enemy of listening. -What is it that we are so certain about that it interrupts our listening?
3 Certainties That Interrupt Our Listening:
1. ASSUMPTIONS: "I already know who you are. My experience has already defined yours."
2. ARROGANCE: "Who you are has no relevance for me. My experience has declared yours irrelevant."
3. FEAR: Deeply personal - "Listening may require something of me - my time, energy, resources. Listening to your experience may cause me discomfort, I may feel guilty, I may feel judged. Your experience may challenge mine. Too much risk."
Each of these indicate that the other person is not worth your time, interest, or engagement. In fact, that the other person does not matter.
a simple shift to listen differently:
Replacing "The Certainties":
1. Replace assumption with CURIOSITY! "I genuinely wonder who you are."
2. Replace arrogance with HUMILITY: "Who you are matters to me."
3. Replace fear with COURAGE: "Listening to you requires vulnerability in me."
*When we feel known & cared for, we show up differently and we make different choices/decisions.
1. Replace assumption with CURIOSITY! "I genuinely wonder who you are."
2. Replace arrogance with HUMILITY: "Who you are matters to me."
3. Replace fear with COURAGE: "Listening to you requires vulnerability in me."
*When we feel known & cared for, we show up differently and we make different choices/decisions.